Playing With a Heart That Only Wants to Dissapear Once Again I Cant Find Lyrics

My Given (A Reality Check)

I sat on the edge of her bed, with my head in my hands, crying. My heart was pounding and adrenaline rushed through my veins, making me feel sick to my stomach. I couldn't brand myself at-home down. I couldn't fifty-fifty take a jiff. My hands trembled as I wiped the braids out of my eyes. I glanced through my tears at Given, huddled in the corner of her bright yellow room. She was curled upwardly in a ball with her head on her knees, shaking. I stared, wondering what she was thinking, and what I should do. I wanted so badly to go comfort her every bit we both cried, but I felt as though I could never impact her again. I felt dirty, very apologetic about what happened, even evil. I began to question every belief I'd ever had, even who I was. I looked back downwards to the footing, and watched everything fade away as more tears formed in my eyes. I wanted to just disappear, to leave my body behind, and not accept to deal with what was about to happen.

My housemate and I had decided to go to Greatcoat Boondocks to visit her family unit for the weekend. She stood over my bed one Fri morning, watching me sleep. I opened my eyes and smiled expecting her to clamber in similar she did every morning after her rehearsals, but instead she asked " You wanna come up to Cape Town with me?" She had a huge, fake grin on her face up, as if she was saying please. I didn't hesitate.

"Certain," I said as I made room for her side by side to me.

How could I say no to Given, particularly when she smiled at me like that? I didn't intendance where nosotros were going, merely I knew I didn't want to spend a weekend with out her.
Given was the eldest daughter of ii extremely religious parents, and attended Catholic schoolhouse her whole life. She was very sheltered, and small-scale, whereas I am a very open-minded, liberal person, who is anything but pocket-size. She was Xhosa and had black, long, curly dreadlocks that she always left hanging. Her eyes were almost black, and were so mysterious and deep that I could stare into them and get lost. She wore pointy, black glasses that I chosen her "sassy librarian glasses." She dressed how my friends would describe as "dykey." Not completely butch though, just sort of baggy pants, and overalls, as opposed to pink dresses and platform shoes. She was pretty shocked to hear that she came across as a lesbian to people who didn't know her, simply I assured her that she didn't look gay, and that I cleared up the "misunderstanding" that she was to anyone who asked.

I was the get-go lesbian she'd ever met, and being such a religious and sheltered girl, I was nearly positive she would move out once I told her.

" Before you lot go settled in, I should tell y'all something…I'm gay," I said as I helped her unpack.

She stared back at me grinning. " Cool… could yous mitt me that hanger?" She brushed it off like we were talking about the weather. I sighed to myself, relieved that I didn't scare off my first housemate who seemed to exist pretty cool.

Given and I clicked instantly, spending every moment together. We would stay up all night playing UNO, listening to music and talking. I knew that I had feelings for her, simply I besides knew that telling her would practice zero but ruin things between us. Later all, a straight daughter doesn't want her gay housemate liking her. I kept it to myself, and I was more than happy with the style things were.

Afterward about a week, we began sleeping in the same bed, which began by her innocently crawling into my bed one night, saying that the room was too cold. I didn't complain, and from then on nosotros couldn't spend a night apart. We would stay up all night simply cuddling and talking.
1 night we lay in my bed, facing each other in the dark and a tear fell from her optics. " Cheryl, I retrieve I'm in love with you," she said. She closed her eyes tightly every bit more tears rolled downwardly her face.

My middle dropped, and my stomach twisted. Those words were and then wonderful that they hurt. I had loved her from the moment she walked into my business firm.

" I retrieve I dear you too," I whispered back as I wiped the tears from her cheek. That night nosotros layed in my bed all dark, only talking in the dark.

We would lie in bed all day, skipping classes just to exist together. Those iv cement walls, which I despised when I moved in, were now our haven. Annihilation that happened exterior those walls was irrelevant. We had our own world, that no ane could encounter into or touch, where nosotros could merely be. Given made me promise to continue this a secret, fearing what people would think of her. I agreed, fifty-fifty though it was agonizing to have to hibernate the things that I was used to existence open near. It was a small cost to pay for the beauty she brought into my life.

We sat at Emmarentia Dam one day, discussing how fate brought us together. We remembered every decision that we had fabricated and how easy it would have been to have never crossed each other'southward paths. She couldn't believe how lucky nosotros were to observe each other, merely I knew it wasn't luck, it was meant to be… FATE!!! We loved every moment of every day, sitting by the dam talking, laying in bed, or only driving through the winding roads out in the the area. We even went house hunting, planning for the following yr when we would need a place that she could practice with the band she was starting, where we wouldn't disturb our neighbors. She fabricated my life complete.

As wonderful as life with her was, I began to feel very hesitant most meeting her friends and parents. I was very nervous as we walked upwardly to the front end door of her parents home, after all they knew I was "the gay housemate"and I'g certain they felt uncomfortable with me sharing a house with their daughter. Coming together them went relatively well though. Nosotros were all sort of fidgety and nervous, but we made information technology through dinner in ane piece. Given and I tried not to make too much eye contact, fearing that they could sense how much we cared well-nigh each other. Later I asked Given what they thought of me, and the comment her parents had about me was " She doesn't look gay." I guess I took that every bit a compliment, and went on with what I was doing. Her parents both went to work that night, and Given and I sat on her bed talking. She had the Bible out, and was reading me the parts about homosexuality existence a sin.

" Cheryl, do you lot really recollect you were built-in gay? I mean, don't you lot think you could change if you wanted to?"

I stared upwards at her in atheism. " No, I can't change Given, sometimes I wish I could, but I can't change who I am.

She started explaining her viewpoint on the state of affairs, which was that all people have homosexual tendencies, but nosotros aren't supposed to follow them. They are a temptation on this earth only like stealing, and alcohol. She told me that I would exist okay, because I could follow God with her, and he would rid me of this awful sin.
I interrupted her, "I have to go now." We sat in silence, staring at each other.

" Cheryl, I am a perfect case. I have these tendencies, simply I'chiliad choosing non to follow them anymore. I know it's the same for you, you lot only have to want to be stock-still"
"Fixed. I need to be fixed. That's swell Given, just great. Tell me y'all dear me, bring me hundreds of kilometers from home to meet your parents, who hate me, and tell me I need to be fixed! Ok I actually need to leave now."

" My parents are leaving piece of work early to come talk to us Cheryl, they know everything now, and I cant take you anywhere even so."
I felt a huge lump forming in my pharynx, and I felt dizzy. She told her parents that she had feelings for me, and that we acted on them, and that she needed to talk it out with them.

" So right now they are driving home, planning how to kill me."

She laughed, "No Cheryl, they but desire to talk."

How could she laugh? I felt and so guilty, like I betrayed the trust of two parents who left their innocent daughter with me in Johannesburg, and look what I did. I corrupted her.

And so there I was, sitting on the edge of her bed, in that bright yellow room, feeling as if I was no longer in my body. I felt numb, lifeless, and lost. I didn't know whether to pack my bags and walk, or to look for her parents to get home, and deal with the worst situation I had ever dealt with. I already went through this shit with so many people around me except for my mother; there was no way I could deal with someone else'south parents, especially when all I was to them was some dyke who corrupted their daughter. We sat in that location in silence, me on the bed, and her on the floor, crying, thinking, and wishing nosotros were somewhere else, anywhere in the world but here. From that moment on the Given I knew and loved was gone. The cute Xhosa girl, with big brown optics and a huge grinning was taken abroad and turned into a deadening, lifeless object, with the gleam in her eyes and smile gone forever.

I waited alone in the room when her parents got home, continuing to stare at the ground, contemplating my life. I thought about choices I had made, and questioned decisions that in the past I thought were correct. I looked at my life from outside myself, and could not understand how the life I was then happy with, had turned into so much heartache and confusion. Her comments had a big touch on on me, and I questioned why I was gay. After years of struggling to have myself, and finally doing so, I was back to the doubt and defoliation that I had long forgotten.

" This isn't me." I thought to myself. I didn't know who I was anymore. I saw myself through their optics, and hated me.

Subsequently their never-ending talk in the other room, Given came in. She looked fifty-fifty more upset.
" I can take you at present," she said, staring at the ground, as if she couldn't wait me in the optics anymore. Her parents probably made her detest me too.

I stood up, grabbed my luggage and followed her out the door. I looked over to her parents on the couch as I left, but they refused to look up. I decided that gay people must be invisible in that house. They're probably afraid that by looking me in the optics, I might make them gay too. She collection me to the autobus station, where I caught a airplane home. We hugged each other adept-good day, and cried for a few minutes.

"I'chiliad and then distressing Given, I didn't mean to make your life and so confusing. Please tell your parents how sorry I am…" Nosotros stood in silence for a few minutes. " Given, non everyone is attracted to the same sex, that ways something you know. It's your life, but I but don't want yous to kid yourself, and realize when you're forty, and married with kids, that you lot really are a lesbian."

" I'm not gay Cheryl, I love you, and I don't know why, but I tin can't follow that lifestyle. I take to follow God. Information technology doesn't affair what my parents, or anyone else thinks about you, what matters is if yous're happy. If that is who you are, and it makes you happy, then go for it. I experience equally though I am betraying God, and I cant live like that. I accept to come up abode and figure a lot of things out. I'm moving out Monday. It'southward not that I don't want to live with you anymore, it's that I tin can't. I wont be able to get over you until yous are out of my life for good."

That was the last time I e'er saw Given. I got on the plane and went to see some friends for a few days. When I finally got dorsum domicile to my house information technology was half empty. I judge she got there early to avoid seeing me once more. She left me a cd that she recorded for me at her house the nighttime I left. It's of her singing and playing the guitar. I listened to it over and once more, and even so do when I recall about her. It'southward about missing each other, and maxim goodbye, and hopefully being able to meet once again one 24-hour interval. I don't know what to think about the lyrics, merely I know that I will never forget her…

dacreduess1942.blogspot.com

Source: https://lebokeswa.wordpress.com/2014/08/12/my-given-i-sat-on-the-edge-of-her-bed-with-my-head-in-my-hands-crying-my-heart-was-pounding-and-adrenaline-rushed-through-my-veins-making-me-feel-sick-to-my-stomach-i-couldnt-make-myself-calm/

Share this post